Scene of the Crime

When I read mysteries, I encounter clever murderers able to commit crimes without leaving evidence, who can only be brought down by brilliant, intuitive, and determined detectives. Last week, however, I attended the monthly meeting of Partners in Crime, the Kansas City chapter of Sisters in Crime. The speaker was a forensic scientist from the Kansas City Crime Lab, and I came out of his thoroughly fascinating presentation convinced that in real life, criminals are just plain stupid.

Example: Two guys stole an SUV and noticed a weird smell coming from the back. They investigated and discovered, to their surprise, a dead guy, wrapped in plastic. So they called the police to report the body. (Who says car thieves can’t be good citizens?)

The police arrived and found that the dead guy was the owner of the SUV. They went to his house, chatted with his girlfriend, and uncovered an interesting story. The dead guy had apparently run low on crack, so he sent his girlfriend to a crack house in a less-than-savory part of town to buy more. While she was there, the three crack dealers became a bit vulgar and, uh, suggestive. When she came home and reported their rude behavior, the outraged, soon-to-be-dead guy grabbed a knife, jumped in his SUV, and headed to the crack house to confront them.

Okay, let’s pause here for a moment to reflect. If you’re considering a life of crime, here are a few suggestions:

1. Before you steal a car, check it thoroughly for human remains.
2. If you don’t want your girlfriend to be sexually harrassed, avoid sending her to a crack house.
3. Most importantly, do not, under any circumstances, charge into said crack house by yourself, looking for a fight, armed only with a knife. Crack dealers have much better weapons.

And in this case, they used them. They shot the guy several times with several guns as he fled from the house toward his SUV. (Yes, they chased him down the street, firing handguns. And nobody reported this. The police only discovered a crime had been committed when the car thieves called to report the body. Am I the only one who finds this disturbing?)

The crime lab came up with ample evidence to convict the three crack dealers for murder. One crucial piece of evidence was a bullet that grazed the victim’s head and lodged in the door of the crack house as he ran out. Investigators found blood, tissue, and hair on the bullet that matched the victim.

So I’ve decided things work the way they’re supposed to: In real life, criminals are stupid, which makes the world safer for the rest of us, while in fiction, criminals are clever, which makes murder mysteries much more interesting to read. And in both cases, criminals are brought down by smart, intuitive, determined investigators.